Tag Archives: humour

Pic of the Week

“It’s fun to ride to the YMCA, it’s fun to ride to the YMCA”
We think we just found a missing Village Person at the Giant Bike store on Heath Road.

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Pic of the Week: Potter Lives!

It’s not totally new news but in case you missed this on Twitter, we can reveal that Harry Potter is alive and well and living in Twickenham. In your face, muggles! And if you’re wondering where Diagon Alley is, it links Lion Road to Marsh Farm Road.

We say, “Nice work” to whoever did this. Or maybe just, “Wizard!”

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Twickenham Traders Bemused by Council “Regence-frication” Plan

Twickenham shopkeepers have again found themselves in conflict with the Council since the latter unveiled their renewed plan to spruce up the notoriously ailing high street last week.  With work on the controversial Riverside Piazza soon to begin, there is now a concerted push from York House for the immediate surrounding area to keep up with the classical theme and aesthetics.

Time for a spruce up?

As the LBRuT  statement reads: “One significant response to our recent, wide-reaching consultation with the people of Twickenham was the general feeling of inadequacy and neglect suffered by the main high street.  We have listened, and are now rectifying this situation by returning this veritable artery back to its former unspoilt glory.” This is to involve the compulsory removal of all bright, artificial-looking signage in exchange for more subdued colours provided by chief heritage advisers and sponsors, Farrow & Ball Ltd.   Many shop names, to be newly rendered in classic typefaces and in gilt, may need to be adapted, in some cases entirely renamed.  Failure to comply will result in hefty fines.

Particularly incensed was managing director of Poundland, Phil Barsguits, who told us “quite out of the blue we have been ordered to take down our distinctive bright green and white signage and replace it with what looks to me like the Harrods livery.  And if that wasn’t enough we are to be renamed Pounde Lande.”  Equally infuriated was Claire Bunne, head of central public relations at Iceland Foodstores UK, inexplicably to be re-branded in Twickenham as “Ireland”, who complained, “This is yet another example of local administrators stamping their authority over freedom of trade and expression.  Sadly we are bound by law to comply, as we found to our cost after Southend Council’s successful case to rename their local branch Viceland.” Most other retailers have been given the option to precede their name with “Mr” (for example Mr. Kentucky, Mr. Waterstones) or end with “& Sons” (Boots & Sons, WH Smith & Sons) or both (Mr. Starbuck & Sons).  Only Marks & Spencer seems to have escaped unscathed on all counts.

In defence of the scheme, dubbed “Twickenham Regence-frication”, Councillor Pamela Ewing explained that “in less than a year a very run-down corner of Twickenham favoured by vagrants will become the jewel in the Borough’s crown, with a splendid new piazza and town crier.  We simply cannot let the rest of Twickenham fall by the wayside.   This is a simple solution that will please absolutely everybody.”

New: LBRuT offical signage guidance

Contributor: Rich Monrode

LINK:
* LBRuT Press Release 1st April 2017

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Filed under High Street Updates, Local Issues & News

Twickerati in New LBRuT Partnership

There are big changes afoot for twickerati Newly announced support from Richmond Council means that this blog will be able to play a bigger role in communicating news about what the Council is doing.  As part of the arrangement, this twickerati blog along with several others across the Borough will become part-funded by the Council. In return the hyperlocal websites will promote Council stories and cover  the facts Richmond’s leaders believe that locals should be focusing on.

From a twickerati perspective this is good news. Blog Editor Russell said, “The team and I have discussed this in great detail. We all genuinely believe that after nearly seven years of blogging from an independent perspective a fresh approach is required to better engage with the community.  Looking back we can see that we have often covered stories from a narrow and often rather limited perspective.  Take the Gloriana boat house for example. In hindsight we believe that could have made important strides in developing a tired and run down local park.  We now look forward to working closely with Lord True and the rest of the LBRuT team to keep Twickenham residents up to date with what’s going on.  With the Council’s resources behind us we’ll be able to do real justice to the stories that matter”.

In an El Brute Press Release, Director of Communications, Mike Coles said: “With so many unreliable news outlets and so much wanton distortion of the facts across social media this new deal will cut through to the stories that matter. We’ll be presenting the true facts using trusted partners. We begin rolling out our new partnership by adding some Richmond Council branding to twickerati, Teddingtonia and TotalRichmond, by sharing stories and through merging our twitter feeds. Our first big initiative will see leading Councillors take the news to the residents in a re-painted version of the iconic twickerati ice cream van. Keep a look out for it on Twickenham riverside.”

In a series of tweets from the official @lbrut Twitter account, Richmond Council Leader Lord True said:

“Too many pot shots from failing local media. Many blogs misinformed and overrated. So sad”

“We now have the chance for more constructive relationships with all local bloggers, bypassing mainstream media.”

“Time to get to work getting the truth out there. No more fake news. We can now deal in real FACTS”

“Joining forces with @twickerati, @teddingtonia & @totalrichmond makes sense. Great borough. The Best.”

Exciting times, eh?  We think you will like the new look and we hope you will love our more mainstream approach to covering local news. Our next feature will be an in-depth look at the plans for making Twickenham riverside great again and that will be followed in May by a re-appraisal of the Twickenham station development.

Mr Whippy. Twickerati van gets LBRuT branding.

LINKS:

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Filed under Council, Local Issues & News, Twickenham Action Plan

Pic of the Week: Comedy Pavement or Art Installation?

Here’s a scene that raises one simple question. Why? These new flats on Heath Road, called Twickenham House, have given rise to some comedy paving or perhaps it’s actually modern art, we’re not entirely sure. What seems to have happened is that once upon a time there was a pavement with a line of edging stones next to a building, then some hoardings were put up to allow construction work to take place and then the builders decided to make the line of the hoardings the precise line for the intersection of the old pavement and their attempt at new paving. The result? Something that looks like this…

But is it art?

But is it art?

If that’s the quality of finishing for the outside space we can only hope that they’ve done a better job on the inside. Is it actually finished? We don’t know but we hope Richmond Council’s planning bods are taking a long hard look at it, assuming their eyes can stay focused on it. Paving stones? Paving stoned more like.

new flats with 'comedy paving' on Heath Road

new flats with ‘comedy paving’ on Heath Road

You may recall that these are the very same flats where the developers’ boards promised views across Mediterranean rooftops rather than of a suburban railway bridge and a Tesco Express. I suppose we now have to call these things ‘alternative facts’. It’s a funny old world.

Twickenham House on Heath Road

Twickenham House on Heath Road

Room with a view… of the Med.

Views across the Med

Views across the Med

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Pic of the Week: Room with a View

New flats going up on Heath Road offer the prospect of stunning views. The building, Twickenham House, has images on the hoardings showing the type of accommodation you can expect and we have to say that having a view across Mediterranean rooftops as opposed to the Tesco Express and the railway line will be a very attractive proposition for some.

Views across Tesco and the railway

Views across Tesco and the railway

Views across the Med

Views across the Med

Twickenham House on Heath Road

Twickenham House on Heath Road

It’s amazing what they can do these days, isn’t it?

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Orleans House Discovery ‘Out of this World’

Extraordinary evidence has come to light about the original function of the famous Octagon Room, part of Orleans House Gallery, Twickenham as a primitive device for celestial communications.

During research for the Heritage Lottery-funded £1.8m renovation project, in which original drawings and documents have been sourced in an effort to revert the décor to its true 1720s state, artists and technicians were stunned to discover a previously undiscovered stash of diagrams by its architect James Gibbs showing the unique, cylindrical building as a vast acoustic earpiece with various ingenious sound enhancers and transcribing machinery, all beneath a giant retractable roof.

gibbs_octagon_1

James Gibbs (1682-1754) has long been known for his interest in extra-terrestrial activity having witnessed as a young man “many curious fire globes o’er Thames at Richmond”.  Several of his other building designs have alluded to astronomy but this is the only known example of his obsession being put directly into practice, most likely with the generous financial assistance of wealthy Twickenham resident James Johnson (1655-1737), notable for sharing Gibbs’ fascination having “experienc’d a divinely sensuous other-worldly abduction”.

gibbs_vision

Richmond Council officers have long been mystified since discovering that the original footprint of the house and gardens, of which the Octagon Room is the only section remaining intact, mimics exactly the constellation of Orion with the Octagon sitting in place of dominating star, de Mairan’s Nebula. Most remarkably reams of transcripts discovered within the documents appear to depict abstract wave patterns with a stunning similarity to those of NASA’s Keppler spacecraft purporting to show unusual, unexplained activity way beyond our own solar system. These have now been passed on to the British Astronomical Society for deciphering.

There is now evidence that much of the machinery stayed in place relaying “an abundance of communications” until the arrival of King Louis Philippe, Duc d’Orleans in the early 1800s who, as a deeply religious man and a representative of the Catholic Church, saw it as a “dark art”, ordering its immediate removal and destruction. It is assumed that the documents were somehow rescued by Louis Philippe’s wife Maria Amalia after her husband’s death as they have been in the possession of her family, ancestors of King Ferdinand IV of Naples, stored in an impenetrable safebox, ever since. There they would have stayed had the safe’s mechanism not inexplicably given out last month revealing the contents for the first time in over 200 years.

 

LINK:
* LBRuT: Celestial Communications at Orleans House

Gibbs had a strong interest in UFOs

Gibbs had a strong interest in the extra terrestrial

[Contributed by our special correspondent Avril de Furst]

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2015 in Twickenham: A Year in Review

ice-cream-van-twickenham-twickeratiWhat a funny old year it’s been on twickerati. From a springtime of booming reader stats and heated debate in the comments sections to a summer lull and retrenchment, and then to ending the year trying to move things forward with additional contributions. A very big thank you to the many people who have provided such positive feedback about twickerati. If it wasn’t for you the site would definitely be consigned to the internet wilderness by now. Thanks too to the lovely locals who have offered to help with additional content, especially to those who have already provided copy, namely ‘Bill Webb-Ellis’ and the ‘Newbie’ journo. It’s much appreciated. Here’s to more collaboration in 2016.

Of course, regardless of the sustainability or otherwise of the finest and only blog featuring ‘news, comment and ill-informed opinion about Twickenham’, the town itself has had plenty of newsworthy excitement in 2015, so much so that we wrote a few words for the Richmond & Twickenham Times about it. You can read it on page 14 of the current edition of the paper. Can’t find your copy? You could always sign up for the e-edition couldn’t you? In the meantime, we’ve included it below for your public convenience. We hope you enjoy it…

Twickenham – A Year In Review

2015, eh? What a year it’s been. First there was January happily ticking along all on its tod and then, hot damn, before you knew it a load of other months turned up one after another, after a-flippin-nother. And this happened not just in God’s Own London Borough (that’s Richmond upon Thames, btw) but across the whole of the south of England too! It really is amazing how LBRuT (aka El Brute) manages to co-ordinate this with other local authorities. Hats off to them! And what of plucky Twickenham, you ask. Well, here at twickerati HQ this is what we remember about 2015.

It all began with a lot of heated debate about bus stops moving, pavements changing and cycle lanes migrating. And then it just carried on. It’s all part of El Brute’s Twickenham Action Plan aka the “TWAP”. First it was the new luxurious York Stone paving in the town centre that got people all in a lather. This was a tad ironic because, as we’ve all now found out, a jolly good lather is exactly what is needed to keep those fine slabs gleaming and gum free. The one teeny problem? This hasn’t actually happened yet. As for the new cycle lanes in central Twickenham, there’s nothing like dedicated cycle lanes to transform the whole cycling experience and what we have is nothing like dedicated cycle lanes. To be fair though, the uncertainty about what bikes and vehicles are now supposed to do in King Street keeps everyone hyper-alert, and we especially love those new car-sized boxes at traffic lights where drivers can pull up and stop on top of a bicycle painted on the road. Satisfying.

London Road

London Road, cycling

By the time we got to April, election fever was in full swing. It was turning into the battle of the doctors but not in the sense of Baker versus Tennant versus Capaldi but rather Cable against Mathias. Continue reading

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Filed under Features, Local Issues & News, Reviews

Pic of the Week: Fooled?

When we ran our April fool item about Richmond Council selling naming rights to the proposed Twickenham Town Square we didn’t really expect many people to take it seriously. In fact, we didn’t expect anybody to take it seriously. Imagine our delight when we discovered that someone had written to the Richmond and Twickenham Times to complain that the idea ‘lacks class’. Quite right too! Whether they really fell for it or just wanted to build on the joke we’re not entirely sure, but either way we appreciate that they took the time to write to their local paper about it. Respect, and indeed thanks, are due to Mr or Mrs “Name and address supplied”. Sir / Madam, we salute you!

Who's fooling who?

Who’s fooling who?

LINK:
* The original item
(complete with a couple of very minor edits made after midday on 1st April)

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