Twickenham Traders Bemused by Council “Regence-frication” Plan

Twickenham shopkeepers have again found themselves in conflict with the Council since the latter unveiled their renewed plan to spruce up the notoriously ailing high street last week.  With work on the controversial Riverside Piazza soon to begin, there is now a concerted push from York House for the immediate surrounding area to keep up with the classical theme and aesthetics.

Time for a spruce up?

As the LBRuT  statement reads: “One significant response to our recent, wide-reaching consultation with the people of Twickenham was the general feeling of inadequacy and neglect suffered by the main high street.  We have listened, and are now rectifying this situation by returning this veritable artery back to its former unspoilt glory.” This is to involve the compulsory removal of all bright, artificial-looking signage in exchange for more subdued colours provided by chief heritage advisers and sponsors, Farrow & Ball Ltd.   Many shop names, to be newly rendered in classic typefaces and in gilt, may need to be adapted, in some cases entirely renamed.  Failure to comply will result in hefty fines.

Particularly incensed was managing director of Poundland, Phil Barsguits, who told us “quite out of the blue we have been ordered to take down our distinctive bright green and white signage and replace it with what looks to me like the Harrods livery.  And if that wasn’t enough we are to be renamed Pounde Lande.”  Equally infuriated was Claire Bunne, head of central public relations at Iceland Foodstores UK, inexplicably to be re-branded in Twickenham as “Ireland”, who complained, “This is yet another example of local administrators stamping their authority over freedom of trade and expression.  Sadly we are bound by law to comply, as we found to our cost after Southend Council’s successful case to rename their local branch Viceland.” Most other retailers have been given the option to precede their name with “Mr” (for example Mr. Kentucky, Mr. Waterstones) or end with “& Sons” (Boots & Sons, WH Smith & Sons) or both (Mr. Starbuck & Sons).  Only Marks & Spencer seems to have escaped unscathed on all counts.

In defence of the scheme, dubbed “Twickenham Regence-frication”, Councillor Pamela Ewing explained that “in less than a year a very run-down corner of Twickenham favoured by vagrants will become the jewel in the Borough’s crown, with a splendid new piazza and town crier.  We simply cannot let the rest of Twickenham fall by the wayside.   This is a simple solution that will please absolutely everybody.”

New: LBRuT offical signage guidance

Contributor: Rich Monrode

* LBRuT Press Release 1st April 2017


Filed under High Street Updates, Local Issues & News

11 responses to “Twickenham Traders Bemused by Council “Regence-frication” Plan

  1. The report on last year’s Twickenham Rediscovered Consultation Survey is at .

    Further consultation will be announced over the next few weeks and is due to start later this spring.

  2. Steve P

    Good idea…”St Andere”, “Chicago Haunch of Venison House”, “Londinium Souvlaki”, “Sir Hariff & Master Hoole”?

  3. voxpop

    i agree with Sally. Maybe its not a joke after all. I hear its called FLEMING’S FOLLY

  4. Anonymous

    Is this April fools joke

  5. Simon

    Ha Ha Ha Very good! Enjoy the rest of the first of April. Pinged Lande – seriously?

  6. The best April Fool is on the Council website. Publication of the Riverside consultation. Doesn’t seem to have been publicised much.☺

  7. Anonymous

    April Fools

  8. Excellent – and just that perfect element of “this is actually near-possible..” Thanks for the laugh – much needed in these difficult times!

  9. Sally

    What worries me is that the joke scheme fits in quite well with its presumably non joke predecessors…

  10. Sally

    Good one April fools indeed